The New Normal

Three and ½ months ago, my sweet sweet son died by suicide after many years of internal struggles.  It appears that I am just beginning to let the pain of that start to come to the surface. The constant threat of tears and nausea has loomed below that surface these last 2 days.  I am not sure why it is happening now….I have been pushing everything down and thinking I will let it all out when the routine of Fall settles in and I will find a moment to be alone to just cry all day.  This new vulnerability is coming at an inopportune time.  My daughter starts back to school in 2 days and it has been my singular focus to make sure that I set the tone for her to have a great start and finish of her senior year.  My living family is the only thing that holds me together right now.  I recognize the dichotomy of wanting to just stop and cry and cry and cry and me knowing that I can’t do that right now.  I have 2 other children who need me to show them the way and to give them permission to move forward with some joy and hope and way to integrate the unimaginable pain we are all carrying in that movement.  Over the past 3 months I have been able to provide comfort to those who learn about my son’s suicide or his friends or our friends….”we are doing ok” “we are so thankful for the time we had with him”  “I have a deep faith that will hold me up”  “I don’t understand, but God is God and I am only human and I can’t understand his ways of this world”  BUT today I don’t.  Today, I just want to cry and be mad at God and be mad at the world and be mad at myself and everyone else.  Today I just HURT TERRIBLY….


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